He called me an ungrateful bitch because I lauged when he asked me "how do you me and a bed sound?"
Like I should be grateful for the 5 minutes I sit on top of him and stare at the wall.
You can't be mad at me for wanting to drink though, it is the reason we're engaged
It was like a secret agent hookup. No names, swift execution, get in- get out.
Replacing day drinking with a real job was the worst decision I've ever made.
he peed on his own floor last night after we left the bar. pretty much sums up how i feel about the evening
Ummm didn't i have pubes when i went to bed last night?
She's a freaking stalker dude, it's like having some kind of cartoon animal just following around everywhere
You chucked an empty vodka bottle against the wall and yelled "Everyone calm the fuck down, it's just the cops." After 10 seconds of silence I looked over and saw you pissing their fountain.
I'm pretty sure I just need an IV drip of Plan B at this point...
Did you have ill-advised lesbian sex on the deathbed of their relationship?
Of course. Go big or go home.
You're my fucking queen.
Let's never forget the time I met you while you were running down the street naked and in handcuffs.
MEAN GIRLS IS ON NETFLIX! I REPEAT, MEAN GIRLS IS ON NETFLIX! THIS IS NOT A DRILL! I LITERALLY NOW HAVE TO CANCEL ALL OF MY WEEKEND PLANS.
I need to sleep so I can die properly tomorrow.
His name was Dragon. For real. How do you not sleep with a Dragon? Don't judge me.
Bruh. You offered the cashier tater tots that you had stuffed in your pocket.
Yeah, and? She might've been hungry.
Randomize
