So the D.A.R.E. essay I helped my tutor kid write won an award. Oh the irony.
His mom just asked me if I was "fooling around with her baby again" and then when I walked downstairs his dad YELLED "Look who's taking the walk of shame!"
You really need to stop fucking dudes who still live with their parents.
had to go back to that apartment this morning to get my other boot. it was tacked to the wall
Omg considering I am covered in cake and probably cocaine that is the greatest news I have ever heard
There is no way I am paying you $5 apiece for pot brownies you found behind a dumpster. $2, maybe.
I asked if he wanted to sext and he just started sending me pictures of his beard.
i came so hard i kicked through my windshield
Now I'm obligated to stay and cuddle with her because the condom broke. Fuck.
I'm gonna have to get you a special blowjob bib -- like a lobster bib -- but instead of a picture of a little red lobster, it will have a picture of a penis, with 3 big squirts coming out.
Those tiny little fruit fly looking mofos. They fly past the phone and I grabbed them like Daniel-San
My gay card got upgraded to platinum status today.
I just thought about how many drinks I had last night and threw up.
Dude I puked in a snow bank and then fell face first into it
Underoos and an IDGAF attitude: all you need to successfully win at life
(Underoos optional)
He serenaded me say anything-style with Weird Al songs and then blew me on the beach. I'd say he's a keeper.
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