Did u pay ur friends to not make fun of me?
fuck dude i blacked out on a tuesday. what am i doing with my life?
Winning.
I'm playing with the baby I just found in your kitchen
my new years resolutions dont apply when im drunk
Where else am I to apply my creativity?
I don't know. Anywhere productive and not involving sex toys would be a start.
You'll be the guy with the raft that sells burritos on the river. You'd be legendary.
i'm sitting in the second floor bathroom drinking coronas in the shower. do not find me.
I guess since this is supposed to be my year of the lesbian it's okay
I never thought I'd say this, but I think I just saw the hottest pregnant chick alive.
You wanna get laid? Be a female for once and stop bending nails to impress guys.
Henceforth: booty calls will now be referred to as "deliveries of anatomy". That is all.
I am thinking about buying a decorative chest for all our sex stuff....
If anyone needs me I'll be in the bathtub, eating fast food and shooting straight vodka while I seriously evaluate my life choices and cry.
Many a woman has been in tears over the passing of my penis' whorish ways.
oh dont worry mom i am not sick my cough is from a recent increase in recreational drug use
that will happen
Randomize