i think i gave myself a perma-hangover. or god just hates me.
So I'm pretty sure when I was giving a Birthday Blow J, he went to grab my boob, but grabbed a fat roll and asked "You're not wearing a bra?"
this is the 21st century. you drunk fuck him and then go on a date.
she made me put on a condom before giving me a handjob...this is why i hate freshmen
We'll wreck the fuck out of my furniture. How often does one really get the chance to fuck through a table with no negative consequences?
SHE GRABBED MY FULLY ERECT DICK IN A BAR AND STUCK HER TONGUE DOWN MY THROAT AND I COULD NOT CLOSE
My plan to masturbate 34 times on my 34th birthday backfired. Do you still have those crutches?
gin. gin. Gin. GIN GIN GINGINFFdJH
Text me later if you aren't dead and wanna have a drink later
There's a potato with a bite taken out of it in the kitchen
I feel like ditching all logic and responsibility and get shit-faced before the week's over. Thoughts?
My six-margarita-deep ass just used a blow torch to light the match that lit my bong pack. Peak single 🤦ðŸ¼â€â™€ï¸
You took the receipt and ate it. You then took it out and gave it to the waitress with slobber and holes all over it.
don't worry dude i have your phone, text me when youre gonna come get it
I just woke up with a cowboy hat on my face and a playboy from the 90s on my chest
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