Tell him to shut up cuz i said so. I lost my dollar shoe :(
Dude, I just woke up on the floor of some random chick's floor with puke in my hair and a posted note on my forehead that said "It's over." Dude I wasn't even aware I was in a relationship...
I just told my parents that Capt'n Crunch does weird things to my mouth... my dad just stared at me
Did you know there's no emoticon to really tell you that I just consumed a magic brownie?
He wanted to have sex in a church because he has keys to it from court-ordered community service. WHAT IS STANDARDS?
I had to warn the neighbors
Warn them about what?! It's noon
"Pay no attention to me if at random points of the day I'm outside with kitty cat ears on" I'm a mess...
Should I have spent my entire pay check on Crown Royal and LSD? No. Do I regret it? Also, no.
You kept screaming, "Fuck her right in the personality" and then kissed a guy and slapped him across the face
I climbed up on the tank of the toilet so I could take a slo-mo vid of myself pissing into the garbage can, but the base of the toilet shattered and I had to bail.
I gargles a mimosa for breakfast. It's gonna be a killer Monday.
I'm on my way to bail our sister out of jail with our mother's credit card. How old are we??
My life is over, I got a mugshot while wearing a shirt that said 'milf hunter'.
woke up hungover this morning lying in a water raft covered in water.. i dont know if i should consider this good or bad
Well the cops were called after the kid fell, but we saw 4 cute guys from our window while it was going down, so it wasn't all that bad.
I’m going to bedazzle that dick
What does that even mean
No idea, but I guarantee he’ll get hard every time he remembers it
Randomize
