i had to take my roommates dildo out of her suitcase so I could use it
the suitcase or the dildo?
Dude how the fuck are we gonna get the lawnmower outta the pool?
Apple should advertise that their phones are puke-proof. They would appeal to a whole new audience.
Ikeep having to ask jim if I'm actually talking. I canmt feel my body...this is what Christmas is all about
New high score, I made the stripper choke me while I was getting a lap dance last night
I am wrecking havoc on the skinny girls by going home with the big one. She is taking me to see her dog now.
Today is definitely a "stand over the toilet and pee through the opening at the bottom of my boxers" kind of day.
I guess the silver lining is that having a big dick really comes in handy when you're hungover.
It's a mixed blessing.
Also yeah I would definitely have to say that one of my favorite things to do is to get high and pet cats.
The closest thing to a sext that you will ever receive from me is a picture of pepperonis on Greg's asscheeks, clenching.
She just texted me that she's horny, then started quoted random music, then telling me everything she regrets. I don't think there's enough tequila in the world for me to deal with her...
and i do believe that will be the last time you send me a photograph of our mother in her underwear.
Maybe because you rubbed my clit while we were making churros
My fire has petered out without you
My Peter has fired out without you
That might be the most romantic thing you’ve said to me, unfortunately.
I've finally become one of those chicks with a taco in her purse.
Need to use your shower bro.
FWB wearing glitter again?
It’s like she’s marking her territory
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