he fingered me, smelled his fingers, then asked me what i ate today..
We made a percocet pizza. And then i made an unfortunate decision.
The worst part is I think my tongue cut his penis and now he wont talk to me.
I knew his night was already over when he started marking lines on the bottle and setting goals
The vodka told me to go iceskating on my frozen pool. I may have attempted.
He was going down on me as I discovered a spaghetti-O on my boob. Its been a while since I faked it.
Sunday is a myth, I refuse to believe that I waste an entire day unable to function after a night of drinking.
"So you think you can dance" turned into "so you think you can run and slide across the bar"...Jack Daniels wins
My day may involve a drug pinata. I LOVE MY LIFE.
How did "late lunch" turn into 8 solid hours of drinking??? I feel like death.
You left something at the house but since I'm back home now so I can just mail it over. Address?
I didn't realize you could put dignity in a box these days.
I was gonna drive but when i tried to use telekinesis to get my keys, I knew I shouldn't be driving
gin. gin. Gin. GIN GIN GINGINFFdJH
Me and my girlfriend were watching porn together..... it got awkward cause I kept getting notifications from my family on Facebook
If I die at work, I want you to have my mustache collection
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