I just followed up on a noise complaint...only to find 2 girls in bikinis covered in jello with beer cans everywhere. I couldn't bring myself to bust that party.
I want to be a cop.
Can someone please explain to me why I woke up looking like Ziggy Stardust
How do you have time to get laid so much in law school?
I like to set goals for myself. for example, he was my first libertarian
We've done the math and the dogs tails are wagging at a rate of 3000 wags per hour. Stoned.
last night he took my thong off with his teeth... god bless champagne
My drunk neighbor is arguing with a goose in his yard. This was the highlight of my day.
We kept trying to bring you to the hospital but you had a tantrum and kept saying you would never be Miss America
So hungover. I dropped my keys and leaning over seemed a terrible idea. Instead I took my shoe off in the middle of the street and use my toes to pick them up. Think I'm a genius.
Just because he told you it was safe doesn't mean you should have licked it.
Sorry for all the snapchats, I wanted you to feel like u were in America getting plastered with me
Just wiped the ashes off my forehead before he came over to have sex. Definitely going to hell.
You are in my phone as "Thigh Gap" and you apparently work for "DO NOT DRUNK TEXT, INC." That is why I called you six times last night. So unless you take a second job at "NO DRUNK DIALING LLC" expect more. PS I am sober so this is legit.
Ok thats great. so just to recap: you fucked a billionare in his penthouse last night, and I had a glass of wine on the toilet.
is it just me or does "lol" kill any sort of vibe while sexting?
I knocked over his glass and he yelled "Oh no the boxed wine!" and slurped it off the coffee table. Then he showed me how to mix maple syrup, Jameson, and coffee. My family is better than your family.
Randomize
