piano lessons. No girlfriend. What's up.
Did we have sex?
No you put the condom on then passed out on the bed so I left
If you bring me a slurpee and advil I will eat you out for like an hour.
Dude if our hands were ladels we could work at a soup kitchen
That would be so convenient
just letting you know that jen either: wasn't feeling well and ate grass to make herself throw up or threw up because she's stupid and ate grass
sorry can't. you know Saturday is the masturbating day for single sorority girls here.
you dont understand this isnt a sit at a sports bar eating wings and having a beer night. this is a show up to the bar with a fith of Jack and just let what happens happen kinda night. im expecting to smack a bouncer
Ok let me change into clothes i can run in
If I had a dick as big as yours. The world would be an oyster. An oyster smaller than my big penis
I know it I should, but it's kinda nice. It's smells like unbridled enthusiasm and copious amounts of melt your face off sex.
I just stood on my roof naked pouring vodka onto my garden. sweet dreams
I was expecting it to be of the "I am your vagina's reckoning" caliber.
Note to self: remember to figure out whether melted cheese is a liquid when not stoned
THERE ARE NO EMOJIS TO SHOW MY SEXUAL FRUSTRATION
My first hangover at work. I'm officially an adult.
if my 20s were a chapter in my autobiography, it would be called "the room is spinning and my hands smell like dick"
Randomize
