i just fell asleep masturbating. I'm no longer surprised i'm single. I can't even pleasure myself.
The fact that he grabbed my boob in the middle of the conversation shows something needs to change
Well we're gonna drink when we get home and I just invited the cab driver to play beer pong
You were almost as fucked up as I was the night I hooked up with a bob saget look alike...
i probably shouldve stopped when i uncurled the curly straw in my cocktail because it was slowing me down
1. Sorry about making it snow. 2. If it left a mess, I will be over to clean it. 3. Can that fire extinguisher still be used? If not, I'll buy a new one. 4. I just wanted to make it snow!
FYI, Sammie and I made the executive decision that we're getting a pet octopus and keeping it in the ballpit. Just thought you should know.
I asked her politely not to touch my dick
Cover your phone. Photos of streaking frat guys incoming.
Also, making a white Russian with butterscotch schnapps instead of vodka is probably the best decision I've made in my entire college career.
It looks like a baby bear tried to chew off my nipples.
Do you always skip to "Baby Got Back" when fat girls show up at the bar?
Woke up with a 6lb bucket of Redvines with a note that said "I'm sorry" care to explain?
I will gladly accept you into my home with open legs.
Moral of the story: fuckboys never change
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