Yo I charged a $20 breakfast to ur room, will pay u back in liquor and schoolgirl panties, thx again for a fun time
i have accomplished my summer goal of being able to relate to every taylor swift song
When we were fucking, you could hear the beer sloshing around in my stomach
I am about to be in my happy place. (the shower with a 6 pack)
Give me one situation where peeing in your garage could be a bad idea
Eating Doritos is not nearly as enjoyable when I'm not drunkenly feeding them to peacocks.
It's like you are the superhero of getting jizzed on
Smoked all day yesterday and even more today. Just survived high dinner with mom and sister. Thought I might eat the whole table
Thanks be to the Goddess of Whores!! I straightened my bed before Ken got here. Found Calvin's boxers in the sheets!!!!
You just stood up, raised your glass and said, "I'd like to thank the academy" then fell through a glass table. THAT'S why we cut you off.
I had to talk to the cops at my front door in a bathrobe, with the buttplug still in.
Bumble is fuckin insane here. I'm going to break a hip.
Everyone has seen your nipples. It's like asking if they ever walked on grass. You need better hangover questions.
Slept with a member of the band last night, found out today after extensive stalking he’s engaged. Pro tip: don’t research one night stands.
I sent her a dick pic and used brett Favre's dick pick. She asked me why I had pictures of old men's dicks saved on my phone... I just can't win bro
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