i just used shampoo as lube. why? because i'm worth it.
You guys need to stop introducing me as "the girl you shared"
maybe it wasnt such a good idea to pregame our lease signing...
This lady in my dui class just asked what patron was. I feel like she doesn't belong here
it was literally the size of a crayloa marker. i didnt know what to do with it so i just sat there
I'm just gonna ignore the fact that I have no pants on and find a way home. A good one-nighter never goes back for his pants.
Found half of a five day old piece of pizza behind my dresser. Apparently it was drunkenly set there and got knocked down. It was such a happy reminder of last weekend.
I found a cheeseburger next to my tub once. It's there to shame you, but it always just makes me feel more awesome.
I texted him that I wanted to be more than fuck buddies so when I came over he gave me a punch card. He takes me I dinner every 10 fucks.
I need a straight guy to pretend to be my boyfriend for 30 minutes so that I can pull off an act of petty vengeance. Interested?
Why were you not born a dude?
Because god wanted to level the playing field
She has the best kind of daddy issues
I am so disappointed that he didn't steal a Christmas tree last night.
he was wearing a widestriped red gingham suit jacket with complete sincerity im not surprised she beat the shit out of him
You're the only person I know who's experienced a micropenis and a magnum XL penis
I wish I could say this wasn't the first time I shit myself in a Piggly Wiggly.
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