The sex toys I ordered are being shipped to my billing address instead of shipping address. Take a guess where they're on their way to right now - my parents' house. And the package has to be signed for so there's no way around it. Fuck.
I promise you 4 toothbrushes taped together and lube does not do the trick
Call me immediately, my only recent boy news involves me biting a dick.
you had sex with a 30 year old who doesn't have a cell phone but does have an 8 year old son.
he's 29.
Do you remember calling me and dedicating a shot to me?
I walked in and she was kneeling on the ground with no pants on, throwing up, and holding the puppy. It was one of those moments, where i was like damn i wish i had my camera.
Hey we met at the bar a week ago. Your friend gave me a rose and you asked about my nipples.
Those were the days I had no morals... Dark times.
Shall we take a trip back?
Its ok. Im having a low day. About to mix cake mix with milk and drink it.
You tried to pay for our cab with the 2 dollars you got from selling your natty ice outside the strip club.
Thanks to you I just drunkenly spot washed a Star Wars hoodie, at midnight on a Friday. If there is a greater level of nerdiness I do not know of its existence
I just want him to hold me after a bad midterm. Is that even too much to ask for after sleeping with him twice?
I cannot take an uber back in my costume...can you please come get me?
Come on in. I'm butt naked, in the kitchen, eating ice pops
Sorry I fucked your cousin. Again. I just wanted him to take me on his boat.
Randomize
