I think my guts just had a chinese fire drill
The girl I was getting head from just called my dick an anteater...I hate my parents for not cutting my cock tip off.
Hands down the best time I've ever had barfing.
I don't want her to kill herself before she gets over me, getting mentioned in a suicide note isn't very fly.
but it's kind of a high honor.
Just bought myself a coach diaper bag. I thought it would be perfect for school. the baby bottle holders are where i'm gonna put my booze
He's spent his last 3 years working at Urban Outfitters. No, I'm not sad I missed out on a life of mustaches, the dollar menu and shitty scarves.
For looking exactly like her, she tasted less like her sister than I would've thought
Whoever was the last to get in from the chinese firedrill had to pay the dealer.
he fucked me so hard i could feel my pelvis shifting. like i legit feel more prepared for childirth now
So ran into your ex from sophomore year last night... Apparently hes gay and a stripper now. we all got lap dances because we knew you
I think my greatest accomplishment today was probably using a bottle opener to get the cap off my fourth drink while holding the cat WITHOUT dropping him.
Oh god, what has my life become?
your phone died, so you started bawling in the bar
yeah that sounds like me
That's a really terrible idea.
Awesome I'm gonna do it then, thanks for the input
Can you please stop fucking every bartender in the city? Just once I want to have a Jack and Coke without fielding questions about your availability.
listen. i haven't sucked a dick in well over three years but i believe in myself.
Randomize
