She is in my trunk
And I just threw up at the table during Mother's Day Brunch.
I feel like I should come with a warning like "Orgasm free since 1983"
I just watched the lion king for the first time in years. It's like the equivalent of a really good blow job.
As i was walking home this morning some old lady was walking her dog and i said hello to her as our paths in life met, then i proceeded to puke in someones front yard and never looked back
I got carried to one bar. Got a piggy back ride to the next bar. I was just testing our drinking team for st pattys day to make sure they are able to handle me more drunk than that.
Just had that moment when you realize the two drunk women shoving all their money down your clothes were your middle school teachers...
Touche. Dude, I fastened garters. Drunk. I deserve a medal from a drag queen.
I might have been the first person in 2015 to throw up on a yellow cab before climbing in it.
I mean when you laced a shot with $200 worth of cocaine I could see why you'd be mad when somebody drops it
The fact that you screamed, "Alf is my spirit animal!" is proof enough that we're too old for peyote.
Would I do it again? Probably not but still,I don't regret a single ratchet thing I've done in college.
I ask him how he's going, like life and stuff, and he responds "20-0 pats"
Well the good news of being walked in on, my mom says your tits are pretty. Then she added that hers were like that once. Fml
I think the cop who arrested me yesterday is at my gym rn should I say hi
Randomize
