there was 4 little kids screaming in high pitched voices at the top of their lungs at the sox game and their mom just leaned over to me and said 'if thats not birth control i dont know what is'
if socks could get pregnant i would have catholic amounts of kids
i just hate vaginas for liking penis's insside them
Just woke to a Christmas wrapped pack of hotdogs in my bathtub. How high did we get?
explain the broken jalepenos in my underwear drawer?
Frats are adorable. They make mediocre guys think they're worth a shit.
...the American dream.
trapped on the roof of the strip club. help
So, I'm tripsitting Ruben cause he's on LSD, and he's starting to eat the chair because 'it is evil' according to him... I can't choose: should I stop him or film it?
also Jesus you really need to change your diet. I just washed your baby gravy out of my hair and it's so acidic my hair is damaged. You have killer sperm
On a scale of zero to "unmitigated disaster," how drunk is he?
He asked me if I remembered touching his police badge. awk.
One day I'm gonna have to send my roommate a "sorry I got high and forgot you were in the room and masturbated next to you" fruit basket
I told him I had an IUD and he asked me how was a bomb a form of birth control..
It's ok, it's locked within patented Sealrite technology. That puke is staying fresh
You are a genius and a whore.
Randomize
