Please don't call me names while I'm carrying your child.
It's really too bad Cosmo doesn't have "What To Do When You've Drunkenly Sucked His Dick and He Doesn't Text You Back" article.
Apparently I kept telling the bartender that I was going to set the Guinness World Record.
You weren't lying about those ceramics students giving the best hand jobs.
was this before of after we tobbganned into that tree?
he seriously made his penis a facebook.
Where is my rescue team. I keep hiding shit. And I'm trying to give out shots of olive oil
This reunion sucks. All the confident hot girls from high school are still confident and hot, and none of the fat girls with low self esteem transformed into hot girls with low self esteem.
They were arguing about who would hit the piñata first so naturally you tore it open with your hands. You broke the piñata and their hearts.
There is a video on my phone of me suckling a bag of wine from your crotch area while you say "The Body of Christ" in a Michigan accent. I vaguely remember being offended by this yet I did it anyway.
Opened my notebook to coke all over the pages. So, if that's any indication on how this weekend went.
I got to my internship late... with a bag of chipotle and sex hair.
Just watched a middle age white woman scream WHY DON'T YOU GO FUCK YOURSELF, HELEN?! Helen seemed absolutely scandalized.
Sex on the trampoline with your two best friends cheering you on: PRICELESS.
Oh yeah, nothing says welcome home like walking in on your parents having sex on your bed while the dog is watching, they told me to wait until they were done...
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