you came back at 4am in a suit jacket and a half eaten burrito...
I can't remember where my feet are. All I can see are colors, and all I can feel is terror. The lollipop was a bad idea.
I feel like I'm in an ocean of eels jacking me off
Two people confessed their love to me last night. Drunk is a good color on me
Remember last time I drank with my mom? I asked if I got my dick sucking abilities from her.
There was a time I was reining queen of Sunday funday... And at that same time I also weighed 20 pounds more, had the morale of a spearmint rhino stripper, and woke up most mornings asking more questions than fucking Barbara Walters. I think I just wrote my own epitaph.
Yeah man... I ordered donuts, drank wine, and cried to a movie with Seth Rogen in it. Do you really think I have my shit together?
You can't just say you're dying of terminal cancer everytime they try to card you
FOUND MY PANTIES COMINY JOME
Dude, I'm telling you, date younger. He brought pizza, made me squirt twice, and then left to immediately go to brunch with his mom.
I don't get promposals. When I asked my date I was so drunk I couldn't lift my head. Then I puked on my lawn after he said "ok whatever". That's romance
I have a burn on my hand, I'm covered in bruises, I think my toe is broken, and I have no clothes to wear home.
He sent me a picture of his cock that seemed to indicate that we were still on good terms.
Just passed a girl holding a jar filled with what appeared to be diarrhea
I woke up with a giant paw print on the side of my face, my jaw hurts, and I have no idea how any of this happened.
Randomize
