Telling her that my penis is called megatron was not a good idea for a first date.
Me hooking up with her is like rush being president. Bad news.
Some man just said he would jack off to my hair color.
Ah, the precious few moments between when i wake up and when i realize why i'm sleeping on a treadmill.
I woke up at 3am naked and stroking a watermelon.
Not cool at all. Last night I organized my condoms by expiration date. I need to get laid.
He woke up in a dragon costume, covered in bong water. That was a party we will regret missing.
well apparently i was just calling everyone cunts. then i awoke from my blackout to 3 very mad roommates who didn't bring a key out with them
Neither a grow-er nor a show-er. More like a no-er. If he didn't have testicles, I'm not sure you could tell he was a male, even standing there naked. There will be no second date.
I woke up sick this morning, maybe sucking a random dudes finger at a bar last night wasn't that clean of an idea.....
should i save it for someone special or be a feminist and be like "my vagina doesnt define me"
But I got head on a boat yesterday which was sweet until a bald eagle flew over. Then it became life affirming.
With great liquor, comes great irresponsibility. Remind me of this night tomorrow.
Was I drunk or did Alex not show up with 100 rainbow Jell-O shots?
Are you telling me right now that the weed man sexted you?
THE WEED MAN SEXTED ME!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Randomize
