You got so drunk you kept singing the Sailor Moon theme song and kept making everyone call you Sailor Venus.
I just saw what sperm look like swimming around. I'm not happy with what you've put in my stomach.
Everytime I cough, my tampon falls out a little bit. Does this mean I'm loose?
so went to the condom shack today. bought a condom that dresses up your dick in a suit...tomorrow im fucking in style
I found a wheel chair. there is now a high chance im going to be fired from this job
I can't be the first person ever who had to explain why her bottle of orange juice had a picture of a screwdriver drawn on it
Just picked them up. It took 6 holes and a handle of rum to evolve from golf to a demolition derby.
There's an entire pit crew of cart boys surveying the golf cart destruction.
hi sober isdnt real. this is a mass rtoomate taext i thing. bye
AMAZING.
Im covered in vodka and melted gummys. Fuck summer.
If I have to give a UPS guy a lap dance, you owe me a drink.
I feel like I'm laying on a pillow cloud. With little baby angel fingers between me and the cloud lifting me up. Singing hymns in my ear.
I'm using the Malibu pitcher you stole from the bar to make pancakes this morning. It's actually working really well.
That's what you get for doing kinky shit with a guy that lives in his moms basement.
You keep talking about hotdogs and yelling "COME ON DOWN, LET ME SEE WHAT YOU'RE WEARING"
I've never seen so much of my blood outside me. After the initial shock it was kind of cool.
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