mom just said that her bf is good in bed. fml.
i am watching a movie about a vagina with teeth and then you sent that to me while im eating sushi.
The iPhone is ruining my ability to sex message. My 5-year-old cousin just picked up my phone at my grandmas birthday party and read "I wanna stand you up and fuck you from behind" to my entire extended family bc of popped up on my screen
Decided to write a book called "girls don't poop and other myths I wish I still believed in"
The bender is in full force. After 2 bloody mary's at breakfast we are now drinking vodka redbull "as a precaution" so we will stay awake for the club tonight.
Just found out my 21st birthday is on a Wednesday. The possibilities are cheap, as well as endless.
Just ran four miles to popeye's. And back. Dedication.
It felt as i were a pad of butter melting onto a piece of toast.
We play beat the clock every morning. When the alarm goes off, she hits snooze and drops her panties. If I can't finish in time to beat the snooze, she jumps in the shower and I've gotta jerk off.
Seriously your house is like the underground railroad for unwanted gay kids
My ideal friend would be my dog as a drug dealer
I ate her out in the bathroom and she did my makeup. Man i love being a lesbian
I should be free tonight unless my 5 speed vibrator arrives in the mail today, than we might have scheduling conflicts.
I never thought in a million years that I would have a threesome with my boss and his wife and yet here we are.
Really dude? drunk texts at 9 in the morning? its wednesday
i'm currently watching a guy eat a bunch of cacti and i have lost all faith in humanity
**cactuseses
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