I bought a fake diamond ring to wear, not only to bars to keep the creeps away, but so that I'll be judged less by the front desk girl at Planned Parenthood
The only downside so far to having a guy roommate is that when he's doing a walmart run, I just can't bring myself to ask him to pick up a pregnancy test for me. I feel like that's just too much too soon.
Thanks for the drunken voicemail of bird calls. Love and miss you, too.
Just got a blowjob on the pier where my great-grandfather entered America.
Guess who just got caught by mall security having sex in a car in the parking lot... at noon. This chick.
Also I just learned you, Samantha, and I three-way made out at my Halloween party. News to me.
When you're a bigshot ER surgeon and I'm a starving artist, I want you to remember who held your hair last night.
I think I should just be a madame. Fuck it.
I'm just gonna post fliers on telephone poles like, "who wantsta be a hooooooe?!"
He said he's in to distance fucking. I thought he just mean long durations. We fucked on a towel all the way down his tile hallway accross his kitchen and into the living room
We were fucking in the boat on the lake when another boat saw us and honked their appreciation.
The assignment was about the Industrial Revolution so I just screamed at them in a British accent all day. No, they didn't know I was hungover.
Didn't realize he fucked me in a bed a dog is always in until my face swelled two sizes and I had hives all over my body. This is God's way of punishing me for having amazing sex.
It's almost sad. It's like the Harambe of vagina stories really.
it's like the easy bake oven version of plastic surgery
When you called me I said did you make it home. You said yeah. Then you said you didn't know where you were. I said you were at home and you said but where. I said you are in the bathroom. Then you said oh, you're so smart lol
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