My mom asked me if I was being satisfied, sexually. And then discussed positioning.
i think im the only person who makes thank you cards for their drug dealer
the size of his penis is telling me NOOO! but his bank account is telling me YESSS!
Right now I can't do anything that will ban me from donating plasma. That is a legit source of income for me.
nah i think i'm gonna take my landlord's kids trick-or-treating instead. apparently the houses around here hand out wine to the adults and candy to the kids.
There's a lady here with a big bag of dildos. I'm not sure that's appropriate bar baggage but, I like her style
Dude, she brought over peach cobbler, weed and alcohol plus I'm gonna get laid. She's by far the coolest sister you have.
I put tequila in my salad dressing yesterday. Step the fuck up.
Figured out how I got so much alcohol in my hair: tried to drink my drink using my cleavage as a cup holder. Missed my drink hole and got it all in my hair
He slapped my ass and his clap-on light turned on.
The ketchup exploded, and totally splooged his face and the wall. You could see the outline of his head in the wall splatter.
"You're the only girl I haven't made out with yet" = worst pick up line ever
I'm in the recliner and i have a bottle of wine wedged in my cleavage, drinking from a straw. Clever and classy or pathetic and sloppy?
Did I just pee in the Taco Bell parking lot?
Yep. But do you remember wiping with my quesadilla?
I had Mac n cheese made with weed butter last night. Epic
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