I took my penis out way before I got to the bathroom and some dude kicked me out.
Can one do a walk of shame from one's own hotel? Considering I just barfed in a planter down town in from of a bunch of business men in suits on my way to a work breakfast on a Wednesday morning, I am gonna just go with yes.
Ridin mah bike see you on the moon
mike has just informed me of all the things he would put in his pussy if he was a woman. this includes door stops, power drills & g.i. joes.
"and then my dad would be all like 'hey mike, where's the remote?'"
Last time we were that stoned we made a "everything you can fit in the blender" shake. Didn't end well..
I never thought I'd say this, but I think I just saw the hottest pregnant chick alive.
I wonder if the fact that I'm listening to the theme from lion king gives my neighbors the impression that im tripping faceeeee
Does it make me immature that I debated going to this baby shower stoned, or am I normal as shit and everyone our age are having babies too young?
He made the moves first, we made out...then we folded his laundry.
Do me a favor and don't mention him I feel like Regina George and I just want to scream I made him
I just need some of your time and all of your body.
A real best friend would support the hoe in me. Not remind me of what happened the last time I slept with a boss
Dear sober self, your keys are on the table in front of you the only way your typing this is with autocorrect goodnight love you
I was taking this cougar home in the middle of the night I walked across the hall all naked to take a piss and ran into to some chick from highschool she said no way you are fucking my mom ran into her moms room and started yelling at her
The blonde cop looked at my license and told me I better have be home when her shift ends
I hate you
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