I just went in my fridge and said to my turkey "see you thursday". I seriously have issues
i just went through and liked all 1,239 of her pictures instead of writing my english paper. don't tell her, i want her to be surprised
I just had a dream where Bob Saget recognized me from when I hung out with him in a dream I had months ago.
So for Valentine's Day...I finally swallowed. I feel like I earned that steak.
what do i owe you?
$237.46 to be exact.
if im having that much fun on the weekend i better start remembering it.
Is it wrong in Austin to talk to the homeless while I feed a bird my chips??
Want to get drunk and look at an xray of my dick?
drinking right out of the bottle and nobody bats an eye.
its good to be home.
You went to the animal party as a hoodrat. You won the most creative costume contest.
So your contact has been changed to "jizz weave" in my phone. Now, as strange and random as that may be, I'm slightly embarrassed to say that I have more than one contact that fits that description so please identify yourself.
why isn't there a kind of gay where i let guys give me head but they don't expect me to give it back? i could be that kind of gay
He was that good?
Well I didn't know she was a dominatrix...so I kind of just went with it
I probably shouldn't be taking relationship advice from my side piece...
how did i manage to wake up with my bra on backwards?
u would mumble something and then get unnecessarily loud and say random shit like 'id fuck the shit out of taylor hanson right now'
Randomize
