Ben affleck wants to be a US senator. Just thought you would puke with me
why wash my dick in the morning if you're not there to suck it?
we have officially mastered the walk of shame
We made a percocet pizza. And then i made an unfortunate decision.
I made my rape whistle into a roach clip device. FRESHMAN YEAR!
She gave me a rubber ducky to make me feel better while I was throwing up.
Dude. I kneed him in the face and gave him a black eye. It's like a constant reminder of our hookup. I feel like herpes. I never go away...
Just walked into the bathroom and looked straight ahead and made eye contact with a guy taking a shit through the crack in the stall door...
whoa! who said he's my boyfriend?
Oops. Sorry. That guy you keep accidentally running into in public. And at home. And with your vagina.
Really? I thought your parents stopped loving you when you drunkenly fell through the ceiling...
You could woo kevin with a boquet of breakfast burritos. He loves those burritos. You could use the hot sauce packets like babies breathe
He came so fast i dont think he got it all the way in. He apologized and gave me his favorite baseball card.
Something is wrong here. The birds are chirping and I'm not fucking you, I'm not getting head and I don't smell bacon. Why am I up this early then?
I just thought I should tell you that I always know what you are doing. Everywhere. Every time. -Your loving Mother
So just spent 30 minutes of my life talking to my cousins friend who told me she buys cocaine from a pizza place by asking for extra Parmesan
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