two pink lines on a pregnancy test is bad, isn't it?
only if you didn't want to fuck up your life.
you'd think he'd be slightly more humble with a penis that small
Oh right she's pregnant - that's why all of her statuses have been uber depressing
I talked a bachelorette party out of a 4 person bucket of long islands, and drank it by myself. Please call me a taxi. The fat brides maid just grabbed my cock
she made out with a stripper. how was scrabble night with your girlfriend
he was alternating between taking bites of butter and bagel. he said it was easier than finding a knife
I am downstairs in the bar now having a beer...actually I ordered two beers and placed one across from me in front of an open chair. I did this for appearance sake, so nobody knew I was double fisting all alone. I'm getting hungry now. I'm thinking of ordering two meals just to keep appearances up.
There's a 35% chance I'm still residually drunk from last night.
And you say you're not good with numbers...
Oh my god I forgot there were Band-Aids on my nipples
Me and him were fist fighting in the back of the cab and I offered the driver a 100% tip to call him an asshole. I don't know why.
he congratulated me on my ability to grow long hair after pulling it to see if i had extensions
you can't get cum all over my hair and then tell me you just want to be friends
Life hack: hotbox while in the car wash. It'll change your life.
I'm eating a block of cheese like its a sandwich in the tsa line
If work found out I was using THEIR paper to write Karate Kid fanfic I'd never hear the end of it.
Randomize