I don't know where I am but the food in the fridge is awesome.
I'm in love with you.
huh?
Don't be nervous. I'm just saying - if you had a dick, I'd suck it.
all i remember thinking as i was puking my intestines out is : wow.. this toilet does look like it's from the future.
make sure i look cute passed out on the couch.
i can't wait to kiss dudes with my vampire teeth in.
sorry for throwing an entire water bottle of vodka at you. It was very wasteful
then they caught me trying to hide the turtle in the fridge
He couldn't stand on his own, but he managed to somehow to get to the beer garden and get served 3 more. I'm proud to call him my cousin.
I wish they made people sized litter boxes.
I decided I'm going to give him a celebratory fuck for his accomplishments. Knocked on his door, handed him some condoms and said "I'll be over tonight with sex and booze"
I want to be you.
Some girl at my gym just tried to casually drop the fact she can kegel 3 lbs...
Her one night stand followed us to mass. This is too funny for real life.
I would literally only have sex with a dinosaur right now.
Leaving the puke on the ceiling as a reminder.
I should probably apologize for licking you last night since you drove me home, but I stand by my decision
Randomize
