Is there a "Plan B" app for my iphone?
Picking up third year law school girls is like MILF hunting for beginners
It's like God knew that was my ex's best friend and punished me. I've never vomited that much in my life.
So can you tell me who's underwear is on the cat?
It took us hanging out like four times to kiss. Id like to fuck you before I'm 30
so does the 200 for rent and 150 for utilities include the never telling my boyfriend about the guys i bring home.. or is that extra?
Sry I came all over your dress. Think of it as a Vegas souvenir.
I don't believe u have enough text space to describe the dimensions of his penis.
Everyone is drunk but me. Fantastic. Everyone is hooking up but me. Awkward.
I had a pitcher of margaritas. Now I'm in a laundry room being a 5th wheel and crying. I made myself a bed out of a pool floatie. I win.
I'm taking tokes in the bath tub, come if you want, I'm naked and you have to bring chicken nuggets or else you can't come in
Honestly, if you can handle putting socks on you can handle a condom.
I drew you a picture of Jesus holding hands with Frida Kahlo as a token of my gratitude
Well, I can mark "throwing up in a daycare bathroom due to a hangover" off my bucket list.
My housemates are judging me because I'm high at 8am and making Spongebob shaped Mac and Cheese
They know nothing, John Stoned.
So how often do you needs to see my tits today then?
Randomize
