I'm in the grocery store cradling a box of wine like it's my firstborn, so of course this would be the first and only time I've ever seen my boss outside of the office.
She shouted out halfway through "that costume does nothing to hide your cock". Last time we let her drink at the theatre.
There are parrots here and they're headbanging to the music. There's also a clown and a pit bull that can jump onto tables. Too high for this shit.
He just texted me asking if I remember pinching his eyelid shut with my eyelash curler.
No it's okay, we're just driving to random places with the portable stripper pole and causing a ruckus.
Oh that's normal
He could have been a one armed faceless howler monkey. I was so slammered that I didn't care what I was having sex with or if whatever it was... was doing it right.
I spent the money she owed me on enough magnum condoms to make a blimp. Damn right I'm going to make the best of it.
I almost drank vegetable oil. Where were you? I needed you.
Current status: Finding an unwrapped portion of Subway sandwich in my purse at the pharmacy counter & picking pieces of tomato off my wallet while the pharmacist watches disdainfully.
Did you offer her some?
If only. Current status: Not that clever.
So like if I threw up in my purse is that "don't ever show your face in public again" worthy or just slightly frowned upon
He has a baby picture of himself on the night stand. I don't think this whole 'one night stand' thing is for me.
And thanks for putting me in that safety position on the bathroom floor while I was spooning the toilet
Who knew sons of strippers would be really feminist boyfriends?
His dick is curly. It's adorable.
No, I told him I was busy again this weekend. Eventually he’ll learn. Plus, absence makes the cock grow harder
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