You Definitely drank the goldfish bowl like it was a giant margarita
I told him I'm not paying rent anymore because he's seen my boobs.
I believe that I finger-banged my way to the top of the corporate ladder.
Weirdest conversation with my dad. He just told me he didn't shave his pubes.
She told me to stuff her like a turkey. She actually yelled happy thanksgiving.
just walk of shamed past a man riding a bike. RIDING A BIKE. what a wholesome life he must lead.
What's the most polite way to say "Congrats on losing weight, but no one is happy your boobs got smaller."
Boobs are also good for catching the vodka gummy bears that miss my mouth
I was kind of torn between "Wow, this is awkward," and "Wow, my therapist is hung."
Do you remember the bathroom attendant when he put out his hand for a tip and you gave him a high five?
I'm recreating the you're a wizard harry video with a guy on snapchat whilst having snapchat sex with another... Adulting is fun
It's Valentine's Day, I figure for sure we'll have sex today, right? Wrong. I tried unsuccessfully for like an hour to get him to fuck me. Now he's asleep and I'm on my way to join the public library.
Fast is cars. Home is I now. Drunk yoda me is.
I just wish he would stop trying to bring his emotional baggage into our sexual relationship.
I am really drunk and also a zombie.
Randomize
