Just took a closer look at the paper that kid wrote me his number on. It was an ATM receipt. His balance is $17.89. i made the right choice.
My wrist bandage is guacamole stained. What an accurate representation of my life as a whole
I recommend just blowing him. It's always the way to go.
Dude she gave you head while I was in the closet, we've passed the "awkward" phase.
Don't worry we will all be making bad decisions soon
That's the most comforting thing I've heard in months
I like to take my ritalin one pill at a time with each pill spaced out a couple minutes so I feel like I'm going super saiyan when they kick in.
I'm spending tomorrow with her. What should my ridiculous personal goal be? I've already got a blowjob while eating a cupcake
A little boy in a bathroom stall just shouted "mom where's your penis?? Is it inside you?"
Happy you have kids and I don't day!
When he pulled it out last night I asked if that was as hard as it was going to get. I think I may have offended him.
Everyone is out there getting real jobs and I just realized I've been "washing" my clothes with fabric softener for two months.
What part of don't open in front of your kids didn't you understand? Astroglide, magnums, fuzzy handcuffs and a blindfold are going to be hard to explain as friends presents.
Remember last NYE when after the 9th shot of tequila you went on full crazy mode and made out with the 50 y/o doorkeeper? and he called you the next day?
I just woke up butt-naked in bed with a guy I've never seen..I reached into my bag next to the bed to get my phone and found a bag of shrooms, a handle of vodka, and 600 dollars that I've never seen. what do I do
enjoy it.
I walked in on a circlejerk after punching that guy out. Instant karma.
Randomize
