i got your date sluuuuuuut pick up my calls or else hes mine
Sarah Palin just quit. Happy Independence day!
God Bless America!
i convinced her that her period would come back if we did it doggy style
Yeah I tried to leave with 3 drinks and the bouncer wouldn't let me, I slammed all 3 right in front of him and football spiked them in the trash can
Did you get drunk last night? You put Christian lyrics as your fb status again.
He says I tipped the waitress ten dollars because she "smelled like pigs in a blanket."
I'm alone drinking at the bar and the titanic theme song is on. This won't end well.
hey watch out, they threw flour on everyone who passed out at their party last year.
you came out with your cock in between the legs of a balloon animal. Maybe she'll think you have a sense of humor.
What kind of balloon animal was it?
its like a catch 22, sucks that you've stopped, but its like a vagina high five
But wait then while giving his drive thru order he goes in mid sentence, "Hey baby it's Travis remember me?"
You know how it is. Tell me not to do somebody and suddenly I wanna.
false alarm, still single
I'm not drunk or hungover and I don't have to work. My body is sooo confused!
You were painting for six hours and managed one four foot wall. "The Mellow Handyman" isn't a good business model.
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