I'm going to get a baby outfit made and send it to her that says: "My husband fucked his subordinate and all I got was another baby".
so do the steelers give the refs blowjobs at halftime or after the game?
or how I got to mom's but there is vomit on my shoes. I never thought i'd be recapping with her.
You're just mad at the fact that I want to be a car alarm.
How long can I microwave pasta with a 20 percent alcohol content?
I really hope our interview with channel 6 last night doesn't air or else my parents are gona get a first hand look at my alcohol problem
Its that time of year where we just drink more instead of dressing warmer
Chasing bourbon with pepto... Dedication.
Opened my wallet to find a slice of ham with a phone number written on it in sharpie.
Wasn't his fault he kicked a hole in the wall, they should have never tried to give him a bath after tequila.
the bright side of moving is at least my Tinder options will refresh
Just found out that the guy I lost my virginity to voted for Gary Johnson. It's almost more upsetting then him ending up being a massive asshole.
And you know what the worst part is? Because of him I can now relate to a goddamn Taylor Swift song. FUCK. MY. LIFE.
Why is there bacon in the couch?
You should probably come home from vacation now. I make badddd decisions when you're gone.
Randomize
