my mom just told me how she used to love having sex while stoned. wtf.
ugh. my friday night is playin' Farmville on my face. time to harvest the blackheads...
my mom just called and warned me someone is trying to serve me, i feel like i'm playing an extreme game of hide and go seek these next weeks
You told him how lucky he was to be an elephant and kept trying to grab his "trunk"
wanna go with us to feed the ducks bread soaked in vodka?
how could i say no?
she said we were using the spray butter as air freshener
Don't ask me how or why, but I'm drunk with German diplomats. Come over. Now
I choose McDonald's breakfast at 1:28am over sex anytime
When my mom found out he was a high school drop out she was like "seriously? Can we raise the bar a little higher next time kels?" So my moms pretty cool
Yes but funny for a 45 year old hell bent on reliving her college days by giving body shots and hand jobs. Not necessarily in that order
I'm so high. I'm going to need directions to get home.
Why is "Oprah of drinks" written on my arms?
You said to write it on you, after you kept saying, "You get a drink, you get a drink, everyone gets a drink."
the day i stop sending you hentai screenshots is the day i actually act like an adult, and TRUST ME. THAT AINT HAPPENING ANYTIME SOON.
SHE POOPED THE CONDOM WHOLE
no dude he sent me cemetery flowers, i know it. they are half dried out roses in the shape of a cross, seriously. and he is not religious. so he robbed a freaking grave site for me. am i like an accessory to grave robbing now??
damnit this is what you get for dating guys with neck tattoos
Randomize
