I just cleaned my sheets and decided to do a black light test. My headboard is a masterpiece.
Your parents are going to be so confused in the morning
More like pissed. but ill be sure to explain my pathological fear of terrorists hiding in the bathtub
I wish i could be there for it
these 2 russian guys walked past me and i got freaked out because i thought call of duty got real
tonight lets celebrate not being married
having someone tell me to "prepare my vagina" is not really something I want to hear..
Saw a guy pass out and hit his head on a urinal. Laughing too hard to help him up
please come home... she's showing me videos of spanish parrots and is telling me about her dead cousin...
May or may not have just lost a contact hanging out Anthony's sunroof. Drunk. Hint: I can only see out of one eye right now.
Word of advice, don't put your jar if peanut butter in the microwave, blue fire comes out
The ONLY reason I am doing laundry is because all my sweatpants are dirty.
I should come with a warning like "do not feed me tequila or cocaine, I will ruin the party and cry"
Why do I feel like I need to drink to feel better about the things I do when I'm drunk
The impact your presence has on my vagina without even putting your hands on me is quite astonishing, impressive and a little disturbing.
Now I’m honestly wondering if I took this kids virginity
I was just told that I'm the Sherlock Holmes of drunken sex. I'll take it.
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