he wrote me a grocery list while i was passed out. every other item was gin. it went on for 4 pages.
He bought me dinner. He gave me his jacket when I was cold. And then ate me out in the passenger sear of the car.
He turned down jacuzzi sex. He cares more about my vagina than i do.
I saw a crackhead in a ballerina outfit riding a bike while waving her hands and one leg in the air. Never seen such talent in my life
I want a MapMyFart App, where I can mark every spot where I have ripped one. Like here.
Its like a match made in avoid-eachother-because-we're-antisocial-and-awkward heaven
im sleeping with a therapist...so you can talk to me.
I still owe him the card with all the sperm paper cutouts falling out like glitter saying " sorry you can't hold your load. Better luck next time "
Also, the greatest of ironies: I got shampoo confiscated by security while Corey managed to get pot through. MERICA!
Are you okay?
I went home with a 38 year old guy in a kilt, do I look okay!
I should stop using "Braveheart would do it" as a basis for decision making...
I just paid my school fees like a real adult who doesn't get accidentally drunk on a Tuesday night
When the stripper from this weekend is your cashier at Publix the next day 😐💀#pensacolaproblems
sorry for any reference made toward your boobs or making you feel pregnant or incapable of peeing. make it a wonderful day.
How don't you remember..? You were getting handfuls of skittles out from our bra screaming TASTE THE RAINBOW.
Randomize
