I just want to sing "highway to the danger zone" when I'm taking his pants off.
True love is taking a shit with the one you love in the bathroom with you.
it looked like a condom graveyard when i woke up. they were everywhere
can I come stay the night
yeah, but no sex tonight
I'll stay home
just took a shot of real whiskey... i forgot what it's like to drink liquor that costs more than twelve dollars.
I was trying to be really smart and save 10 dollars for each cab there and back. ...so I ripped a $20 dollar bill in half.
I heard you were walking home with taylor with your dress completely up and your ass exposed
Yeah, that sounds like my life.
Dude, fuck the siberian warm up. You can't put vodka in hot chocolate. Learn from my mistakes
Do you think that my Facebook profile picture kinda look like im being raped by a 10 foot polar bear ?
You, me, naked, mistletoe, fifth of jack, gallon of lube, condoms, Cheetos, handcuffs, rope, along with no morals, inhibition or judgment. That's all I want for Christmas.
I owe you an apology, I was appointed captain of this sexy fuckship and I fell asleep at the helm.
I just saw a guy in a hazmat suit riding a tractor.
You've slept with someone mentioned in the NY Times, that officially makes you the most famous person I know.
It's my birthday, dammit, and I'm getting something for free. I don't care if it's just a drink at the bar.
YOU CAN GET THIS DICK FOR FREE
If he's dating my cousin now, do I have to erase the pictures of his dick off my phone? Ugh, morals.
Randomize
