"You squeeze, we tiip biiiiiig" JB
i woke up this morning in my bathroom,naked, with my boxers around my face and puke and shit on the floor and wondering why i didn't have a toenail on my one big toe.
compared to you, a hobo is quite responsible.
omg he fucking fingered me this morning. and i was just like this is the most awkward alarm clock ive ever had
asked the cab driver where he learned Swahili last night.
He tied me to the bed, fucked me and left me tied up until he proved to his room mates that he actually fucked me. But other than that, best sex ever!
I'm sitting on the toilet eating a Chick-Fil-A breakfast sandwich. How's your Monday?
Walking around as slutty Ron Swanson is amazing
We hooked up in his car and afterwards he cried. I think I need to find a new hookup...
I am laying in your bed and just found a bottle of wine under your pillow ...should have married you...
It's 3 am and I'm buying cat food and batteries for my vibrator. Good thing I shaved my legs for this.
My dad just said "fuck circus"
I wouldn't call us friends exactly. Honestly I just hang out with him so I can hit on his girlfriend. They won't last long, and I'll be there to pick up the scraps
If so I'm coming over there. There's no way I'm having "hello, how are you" conversations with my neighbors on acid
Google imaged your anal issues. Seems fuckable still.
WHY didn't you stop me from ordering $900 worth of socks last night when I was very obviously judgement impaired at the time?!?!
Randomize
