did we hook up?
no, because you kept repeating "itty bitty titties" when i took off my shirt
They just gave us root beer floats. I guess I won't quit my job today.
i upgraded from drunk texts to drunk e-mails...real world here i come
I fucked her while she was wearing her boyfriends dogtags. I'm officially a bad american
at one point last night, you were literally auctioning me off. "reeeally drunk hot girl ! we'll start the bidding at an ice cold corona. oh, we have a bidder! do i hear a shot of whiskey? going once, going twice.."
youre welcome
i was driving around baked, windows down jamming to third eye blind and eating grapes for 35 minutes before i remembered why i left my house
Buying weed with grant money. God I love college. No other time are we presented with these opportunities.
I asked him if he wanted a pillow, and he replied "No. Batman never had pillows."
As soon as the clock wound down to zero, she declared "HALF-TIME HEAD" and pulled down my pants. After the swallow, she said "BEER CHASER," got me a new one, and asked if she could make me a sandwich. Pretty sure she's lobbying hard for a ring.
I'm watching the Brazzers version of Mary Poppins and enjoying it. Volume on and all. 45 minutes.
Chick in the reindeer getup puked on Baby Jesus last night. But then she bought us all empanadas so she's cool.
Please don't buy a buttplug. It won't fill the empty space in your heart.
It's going to be like a slumber party but with ketamine
I responded with revoking his blow job privileges. Needless to say, he's learned his lesson.
You know it's a bad cold when sneezing feels better than orgasming...
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