Between the two of us weve fucked every guy at this table
the only reason i invite her is so when the guys start to hit on her i know it's time to take their keys
When you get home we need to compare our schedules and set up masturbation slots. I'm scares of you walking in on me. Again.
I really super glued a paper bow tie to my body last night. I need to do less drugs.
I ran a string through all of my old vicodin bottles and strung them on the tree. Tis the season.
We're gonna have horrible, horrible babies.
I woke up next to her boyfriend and she woke up next to mine....
This is like a fucked up game of musical chairs.
I realized last night, I never talk dirty in German during sex. How much wasted potential is that?
No. I'm too high for this. I gotta focus my mind for my future Hooter's interview
He was bigger soft than my ex was hard. A gold medal rebound.
You peed on a pole and declared to a cop that it was your pole and yelled at him to not even look at it, and then yelled at all of us for looking at it.
Ah, Christ. I just saw a D lister I made out with once on a Rock Of Love rerun. Why are you asleep right now? Some weird shit is happening.
Yeah apparently i called the bartender a "fucking prison warden" after she took my keys and called me a cab
I'm so high I have morphed into the monopoly man. Or maybe the Pringles guy. I don't know but I have a mustach now
I'm like a great zombie Jesus.
Randomize
