YEA!!! I'll throw you a non-baby shower.
I woke up and my panties were thumbtacked to his wall. Out of my reach.
Regardless, you never quit out of your interenet. You left your porn on the living room comp. Then you passed out four feet from the chair with your hand still down your pants. We decided that we should go back to her place instead. Worlds best wingman.
I drove to my yoga class while eating a piece of bacon. Wow. I see myself in a whole new light.
found out the liquor store price matches. thus begins senior year of college
then they caught me trying to hide the turtle in the fridge
Im doing shots of vodka in the bathroom covered in pillows.
Tornado warnings are fun!
I had sex with her like 200 times, and she was only pregnant once, those are pretty good statistics.
I just want to hug my vagina but I can't!\nLike, I want to wrap my arms around it and say "I'm sorry"
My final act is to send you this message. I love you. Tell my family that I love them. Except my dad. Tell him I said "Eh..." while rocking your hand side to side. And tell Tim that I will always love the idea of him. Tell Caleb I love him so. Take care of Miss Kitty Fantastico. Tell the world that I will watch over. Good bye. I love you.
I'm eating lunchables with a glass of wine while I FaceTime the guy I lost my virginity to.
I feel sorry for the person who's phone number is 704-1776 cause from now on I'm giving that number to every guy I never wanna talk to again. Happy Independence Day
I'm actually pinning crap for Friendsgiving like a boss right now. These bitches better show up.
I have a story for you. It involves waffles and getting naked with the local weatherman.
I brought my porn computer to class by accident
How much porn do you watch if you need a special computer?
Randomize
