my head looks like a cockatoo
mine looks like a lions mane...looks like the entire zoo is going to prom
Im so sleepy and hes snoring super loud! i just wanna suffocate him, sleep, and deal with the body when I wake up
The lady at the touchless car wash just gave me the look of death. How do I say, "sorry it's not my puke" in Spanish?
professor came back from spring break missing a tooth
It's official, no more fat chicks or even close to that, my balls are 2 dimentional
why are all my papers due the day after my potential hangover
Maybe tomorrow I'll be drunk again and can provide you with texts at a more reasonable hour. Here's hoping. GOodnight. Tebow loves you
i just want to attach a dildo to the ceiling and ride it like a gay spiderman.
Came back with a random sweatshirt, an American flag, and a for sale sign. Mission success?
Why is my fridge empty save for a basketball???
New guy at the liquor store was inexplicably fascinated by our huge jug of williams. First he said what are you gonna mix THAT with? and looked confused when I said air.
What's life without a pregnancy scare?
I think I passed out drunk at my own jewelry party
He stopped mid thrust ... To check snap chat .. From his roomie
So I had this brilliant idea that I would sleep in all sorts of sweatpants and sweatshirts... Apparently I thought I could "sweat" off the drunk in my sleep and that it would make me feel better when I woke up
Randomize
