I JUST GOT MY PERIOD AND MY VISA FOR LONDON GOT APPROVED! BEST DAY EVER!
oh my god. my mom just found my pipe. she thought it was a dildo.
like i said, there should be a sitcom about your family.
he actually said the words "do you want to pet the lizard?" with a straight face as he unzipped his pants
She has an emergency bra in her purse. I'm gonna check no on the 'introducing her to my new boyfriend' box.
Well it involved jumping two nine foot fences. But when you mix alcohol and persistence you can't lose.
Remember that time we turned a can of Axe body spray into a flame thrower?
That's how all the girlfriends are. Oh he's a boy, no worries, then BAM. I blow their boyfriend.
Hey Cat, it's Michael. You made out with me for a hot dog last night and I feel super used.
Should probably stop going into the gas station to look for the most normal person to hitch a ride with to drive me to a party
you just won the triple crown of sex! your prize is more sex.
I also don't hate being called a giant sack of cheese. Is that weird?
Come by so you can take a pregnancy test with me. It's like my monthly ritual!
Plan b and 5 hour enegery breakfast of a champion
Got so drunk I broke my sink in half. Not. Lying.
Got any extra dick over there? I’m running low
Randomize
