We hit a deer, sort of a buzz kill. But it's fine.
Let me guess--your parents are cousins.
I told him that he could only go home with me if he didn't talk or tell me his name
I thought I broke my iPhone. I was almost as depressed as the day I broke my vibrator.
I'm at verizon, the guy asked me why my phone is full of seeds. Deff. Not leaving my phone with you anymore.
Oh my god please beg your father to turn the car around so you can possibly get laid by a knight at medieval times.
We would have taken you home with us, but you were outside the bar measuring a randoms stream of piss by walking along side it... you said you were only at 32 feet and it still had a couple of grooves to hit.
Speaking of testosterone. I saw a girl with a moustache thicker than one I can grow last night...
we're the same shoe size and he owns more pairs of heels than i do. this could be the beginning of a beautiful friendship
My mom told me to get it out of my system now bc once I hit 30 it's not acceptable to get "white girl wasted".
My goal is to be drunk before we even get out of the No Wake Zone.
I woke up on the floor with 2 cartons of cigarettes, a box of chocolate bars, and a business card for a man named Larry. Don't remember him, but if the Rols on his card is his, I might throw him a mouth party...
Shit. My boss is having me meet and greet with the new doc upstairs. Do you think his doctor powers will detect that I'm still high?
Just seriously saw this chick say, watch this motherfuckers then did a 42 sec keg stand.
You at least asked for her number right?
We're like a married couple, but we only have sex on college holidays and other people's birthdays.
Randomize