im pretty sure that there was a mint leaf in my poop this morning. i love mojito season.
If burritos were dicks, we'd have a serious relationship problem on our hands. Just saying.
You left a skid on my bar stool!!!!
Oops! Sorry about getting stool on your stool!
I didn't think I could chip a tooth while giving a blowjob until I met him.
Being college poor has reached a new low. I am giving up on masturbating so i can save money on toilet paper
dude throwing a golf cart off a pier is harder than it seems!
The bet was for naked jumping jacks. And it back fired, she just laughed at all the slapping noise.
You may want to re-read your sent texts from last night. You were texting me about your "fire shits" spelled 6 different ways between 3 and 5:30 AM.
Learn from me. Do not smoke cigs and fold laundry in your room. The cigarette will fall into the dresser without you noticing and your shirts will be on fire. Wanna go shopping tomorrow? I need some new shirts.
I just watched a porn called gay of thrones and I think I've reached a new low in my life
Changed all my ex bf's names to "no" in my phone so the next time I try to drunk text one of them it'll basically be like Russian roulette
It's so Britney 2007, you know?
At a bar in the city and the whole place starting singing “Happy Birthday” to someone. Everyone but me. The person next to me leaned over and said, “Why didn’t you sing along?!?” I responded, “I don’t know him. I don’t give a shit if he has a happy birthday.”
This is getting exciting. I almost wanna turn off all the lights, get some popcorn, and stare at my phone screen to see if she's going to say yes or not
And on a much sadder note, I'm way to drunk for this right now
PROBABLY?!! And here I was, about to buy you a glow-in-the-dark banana-flavored cock ring... Now I "probably" won't.
Randomize
