whats up tonight?
Ice cream, wine, and teabags... Not the earl grey kind
i have some very unhappy turtles in my backseat
So I called her out for all the gossip she does and she's like "you do the same, bitch"
So I was like "Im classy like the Countess, youre just a bitch like Kim."
Kudos on the Interstate Housewife metaphor.
Theres a dude at this concert at the urinal double fisting beers, taking drinks from both while simultaneously pissing euerywhere. He is my hero
there are too many children here to make this hangover-friendly
These margaritas aren't just going to regret themselves.
I walked down to the adult beverage store and got two bottles of jim beam and s shooter of crwon black label because we didn't have any Tylenol
Fuck that must be a crazy sunburn.
Hey remember that thing i said about never apologizing for being a hot mess? Well that was before you found me drunk in the hallway with no pants.
He was like an artic tracker. Walked ten paces from the tree, then 15 paces from the mailbox, dug down in the snow, and pulled up the case of beer he hid from his parents out there. It tasted like ice cold success.
I think that was him coming out to me. I just brushed it off
That boy has a whole ocean of crazy lying just beneath the surface waiting to rise up, he's like the tar sands of crazy
I know. But whatever I'll just eat cold pizza and play with my cats by candlelight
I just ate 6 cheeseburgers with some homeless guy. Pretty epic.
Is there a lightning bolt coming out of your boner right now?!
I'm gonna be late for work because i decided to masturbate and forgot to put my clothes in the dryer
Randomize
