I think i peed on brittanys purse
I'm too high to be shopping. I just contemplated deoderant for fifteen minutes. Now testing pillows
i love when people i haven't talked to since we fucked write on my wall.
Dude i just want you to know that when i found you half your mustache was already gone. I didn't do it.
The online application for Mcdonald's said I could do incredible things there. Today I threw out shit filled underwear in the women's restroom and escorted a very drunk/high 42 year old man outside after he ordered a 5 dollar foot long and a bloody mary.
Congratulations, you have helped solved the mysterious disapperance of Dani's phone which was found in the munchies cabinet next to the oreos. Your reward is star power as well as a fat ass bowl of Nebula. You may proceed through the wardrobe and into Narnia for your prize.
Our date was amazing and I would like to reward you with a blow job under your desk.
I can pencil you in at 3:30
I just gave an orange Froot Loop the finger for falling on the floor instead of my mouth when I was pouring a mini box of cereal into my face.
Ah that wonderful moment when you realise the bookmark you were using in a book you lent your mum is actually a receipt from a strip club
Can't feel body but making pizza rolls
His dick isn't even good enough to be this much of an asshole
I'm so glad you haven't fallen off any more yachts
Nothing is more confusing than dreaming about being chased by jets, then waking up with an erection.
this is the second night in a row i've fucked a guy i met on craigslist. and it wasn't even a post for sex. i posted a housing ad. A HOUSING AD
But we have bathrooms and they dont
Randomize
