Just spent five minutes taking pictures of my hands for some random guy.
Thanks for reminding me why I talk about you behind your back. Get laid.
I just gave some chick my debit card to put in the jukebox. She better put out.
Only I would come home from a random banging with beer and watermelon
He said he was trying to live vicariously through me. I didn't have the heart to tell him that meant he was vicariously fucking his best friend.
I just saw the Mona Lisa in the background of a porno. Whole new appreciation for art. fuck you I'm cultured.
U know that drunk state, where at 930 the next morning your sitting in a bath in ur bathing suit trying to sober up...yeah. That's where i am..
I'm in Starbucks carrying the boxes wine and the hubcap. So many judging looks.
You know, I've never slept in a rug with anyone before you
I'm in that weird half-dead, half fucked-simultaneously-in-every-orifice-by-a-bus-and-it-wasn't-a-good-time state.
Was it just me or did you also find it awkward when "glad you came" started playing on pandora right after you finished?
Names, who you're caught in bed with, both minor details
You got stoned and bought $300 worth of pudding. Again! Why do YOU think she left you?
So I scratched the whole boyfriend plan and got wasted. Wanna try again tomorrow?
I feel like I got hit by a car. But a small car, like a Beetle or a Mini or something.
Dude, running 15 min late.
Let's play a game, you pay for all the drinks I can finish before you get here. Go.
Randomize