Nah got too drunk to function...probably could have dragged something home over my shoulder if the cops didn't roll
I wish I only lived at night.
Life Lesson Number 76: Masturbating into a sock is useless if there is a hole in it.
I'm a big fan of 2 things right now: 1) Gatorade and 2) the fetal position
Hi, my name's audrey!
Max?
Sorry, this girl is phone-stealing drunk.
For future reference, even the most well-intentioned game of whiskey pong is a terrible idea.
i'm having the hardest time convincing my roommates to go dumpster diving for pizza with me. i really miss you..
I just peed behind the dumpster and dedicated it to you. Can i call u?
This Halloween will be different. I'm just here to get shitfaced, not troll around looking for slutty nun pussy.
I think that's the first time Navy dress blues and a Ninja Turtles onesie have been involved in the same makeout.
And all I ask is the occasional "welcome home from work" blowjob.....and for you to fold my laundry. I hate folding laundry
I wish I could have a tequila IV with me all the time. Intravenous tequila intoxication.
Almost stopped showering halfway through to go get food
She always used to joke about becoming a stripper. WHO'S FUNNY NOW?!
I’m tired of his bullshit and premature ejaculation. I’m going to hotel bars and finding a guy who is DTF
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