Note to self. Never fart in a tanning bed
I think I just puked all over my comforter and my roomdmate won't wakt up to washc it for me
she won't take no for an answer... no matter what language i said it in
I like how the only thing you spelled correctly is "i'm tequila"
MY DOG FOUND A BAG OF COKE ON THE SIDE OF THE ROAD!!!!!!!!!!!
AND ITS GOOD STUFF TOO!!!!!! AHHH!!!!!!
I vote intervention dinner around 6, make up movie around 7:30ish, then apology drinks all night. Then hangover waffle house in the morning.
Just read my long term horoscope. I'm not gonna get laid for another 2 years.
"too many" and "free shots" never belong in the same sentence
She was shaking her boobs and I was so high all I could think was "breast maracas"
I woke up this morning and the lid to the back of my toilet was missing. Dahfaq do I do with this shit?
Why is the clock ticking so loud? Now I know how Captain Hook feels.
Oh. My. God. You texted my mom "IM BACK BITCHES!"
No. DON'T DO IT. Friends don't let friends fuck clowns.
Saw my drug dealer at Easter mass with his family so that was weird
I wonder how vigorously I can jack off in a one person tent without being noticed???
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