Call me in 2 minutes and go along with what I say. You're hysterical and I must go comfort you asap. He just asked if I was ready to experience sex with a wizard and he wasnt kidding.
super high. so of course there was a shoot out at the bank. there are 20 cop cars no lie. if i make it out of this i will never smoke again
I don't think you have the libido for two women at the same time
I think you underestimate the amount of time spent masturbating
I'm currently blowing up the downstairs bathroom at work. I wish I could foursquare this.
Hahahaha you would not believe what I just pulled out of my vagina. Actually you probably wouldn't be surprised.
I sang again at the bar lastnight I don't think alanis morrset knew when she wrote you outta know that the drunk version was going to be go fuck yourself Josh and Chelsea. I love $2 wells.
Yeah, it kinda sucks. But it was fun while it lasted. And honestly, his penis is way too big for my life.
You burned the hair off your arms. Again.
It grows back stronger each time.
I'm going to fix your towel rack. I broke it while I was dancing on it.
Munching saltines, sippin Gatorade, and trying not to get eaten by this small horse
They came over the loud speaker and said "no laying on the dance floor.." I thought i was dancing, but apparently that's just the way it started out.
who is the naked dude on the coffee table
thats jeff, jeff is nice so don't be rude
I'm beginning to think shitting his pants is just a normal thing for him.
I look like a hot mess, emphasis on the hot now, more emphasis on the mess later
It's a testament to the kinds of spouses/parents we will be that we get so wasted but still show up to every class on time. We honor our commitments bitches!
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