we were spooning and you were the big spoon but you insisted that I call you "the ladle"
your ability to fuck hot guys even when you go out in sweats amazes me
She jerked me off while she drove us back from Denver going 70mph. It was both the scariest and most erotic moment of my life.
They're watching TV in bed. The Golden Girls to be exact. Aaaand I just heard them singing along with the theme song. I love living with gays.
i had to get the starbucks manager to open the bathroom door for me...you passed out on the floor, the things i do for you
you started putting condoms on anything with a point, then you were yelling at the lamp for using your last condom...
I will not fill you in on the details until we get back, so do not ask. I got peed on by the girl I was hooking up with last night.
I world jack off literally anyone now that I'm not related to.
WHEN THE FUCK DID MCDONALD'S DECIDE TO QUIT SERVING BURGERS AT 1:00AM?
I would peed on everything
What's it called where you go to the stripclub with two guys that have both gone down on you...
Tuesday
My night started to turn around the time I started calling her a "raggedy cunt".
Somehow she got that I meant it as a term of endearment.
Is it weird that the cop that arrested me called me twice to tell me that I left my ring at the police station
I realize my mistake but don't you dare school me in cock, young man
Just remembered sticking my head out the window as i drove us to walmart and yelling that i was a golden retriever.
Also, sorry for verbally assaulting you when you asked if you could dump the bowl.
Same way I cope with everything else. With dildos, dunkin and depeche mode
Randomize
