I ate one of your animal crackers. just one. ok four. but no frosting. ok frosting.
You can now add 30,000 feet to the places where I have puked
dude, i was at the student union last night trying to study but some retarded sorority spent an hour voting on the color of the seasons shirts like it was a UN meeting- someone motioned purple, someone objected, and half an hour later after 2 recounts they decided on purple
I hit her tiny dog with a horseshoe an hour ago. Her and her mom cried as it laid on the ground shaking. Im drunk.
Its midnight, he's burning water on the stove and keeps yelling at me and telling me not to burn myself.
Holy mother of cocks. I was grind-with-my-boss drunk last night.
After four attempts, his condom would not flush. I had to remove it with salad tongs.
We should install the 'help i've fallen and can't get up' buttons on our bodies for this weekend. Birthday weekend calls for extra measures.
Passed out drunk in a tanning bed...
Did At The Beach call the fire department to get you like last time?
Sent nudes to my best friend's boyfriend and mom last night. So I'm coping with that on top of my hangover this morning
You have got to be the only man who has passed out while getting a lap dance.
Happy hour crawl turned into power happy hour turned into tequila shots turned into I'm drunk in class on Cinco de Mayo at 7 am.
You were yelling at them from the passenger seat saying you wanted your chicken for free because they couldn't prove it was from kentucky
cinco de mayo stole my toenail
cinco de mayo stole my virginity.
Right. Cuz nothing screams "You made it!" quite like selling your used underwear to strangers you met on the internet.
Randomize
