I accidentally told him I've been cheating on him with his brother last night.
How did that happen by accident?
I was drunk and vomited all over him and thought, "maybe he will just stay with me out of pity if I tell him with stomach acid and alcohol all over his crotch." I was wrong.
Just did a line with a monopoly bill. Tell me I'm not fancy.
He just asked me if his big had a curved penis. Awkward? I think so.
Mac n' cheese is coming out of my nose. You can't make that feel better
My mom asked me to donate my child hood stuffed animals to the poor then I realized I was hiding liquor behind them. I told her I was too attached to them. She understood. Wrong in so many ways.
I couldn't walk, so he carried me all the way home; and then I told him that I wasn't drunk enough to fuck him. Poor kid.
Always thought my first night in jail would consist of fire and a bunny suit.
So puking trix and chicken wings is horrible but atleast we got free drinks for taking the trash out at the bar we are really movin up in the world
Guy in the room next to us in the ER is chanting "I'm jeff and I'm drunk". He's trying to get released to finish tailgating for the Iowa game that starts in 9 hours.
He played the same pre-sex songs as his brother...
Was that you I seen riding on the top of a cab? Way to start the new year
How do you get the "hangs out with drunk assholes" insurance
I was on top for a full on make out when in dead silence "I'm moaning Myrtle" came from the TV. Moment ruined. I got cock blocked by a fictional ghost
SOOOOOO I just attempted to go to the gym, hungover. Ended up throwing up in the bathroom. I hope people think I'm just working out really hard
If you think I'm going to drive 5.5 hours just to bang a guy, you'd be absolutely right.
Randomize
