I couldn't deal, she's a vegetarian. Every woman should like a little meat in their mouths.
I just spilled my beer all over my laptop.. this is what i get for actually trying to do homework
I was looking at some smoking pipes on amazon the other day and realized that work people could look at my history and do a drug test. So I immediately started looking at Sherlock Holmes hats.
I wanna get so drunk next week I throw up on a guy's genitals. I want to be that memorable for someone.
I seriously just washed my dick in a public restroom. That's how dirty last night got
Dude, she literally stopped, mid fuck said "I want soup" got off my dick and make top ramen.
They had some plan b on the table between the beer and the guacamole. Yeah, it's gonna be a fun party.
i feel like words won't express my appreciation properly so at some point i'm just going to bring you pizza then go down on you for an hour. fair?
He burnt his arm on the grill, then turned around and started blaming it on the burger buns...I think it's safe to say he's drunk.
I may, or may not have licked his face in an Applebee's.
Learn from me. Do not smoke cigs and fold laundry in your room. The cigarette will fall into the dresser without you noticing and your shirts will be on fire. Wanna go shopping tomorrow? I need some new shirts.
If he doesn't fuck you on the 4th of July, he doesn't really love this country.
Nothing says Happy Thanksgiving like picking cocaine boogers out of your nose at your parents house.
How’s the date going?? Do you think he’s gonna cut your face off and wear it to his birthday party?
I just found a condom in my jolly ranchers bag. This is a good omen.
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