I think the sex offender registry is kind of a VIP list. You get to not live near noisy schools and parks and all your neighbors get to know you.
is it weird that i feel like i won the break up because my status change got two comments and his got zero?
Even water is tasting like jack daniels
Tortellini makes me feel like I'm eating hundreds of little vaginas
No subtext here. People are naked.
they arrested me when i was peaking, i'm pretty sure they were specifically looking for me but i was too busy rolling around, loving the grass to notice the police car..
I woke up to him drunk-t-bagging me, saying "huevos rancheros" were being served for breakfast.
Every time I get scared about the fact that I'm falling for him I remember that he juggles and is hung like a mastadon and everything is a-ok.
She roared AMY HORNEY and hulk hoganed her shirt off. Fuckin marriage time bro
Let's fuck under the stars. And by under the stars I mean in my bed underneath my glow in the dark star stickers.
You know you're doing well in life when weed is considered to improve your job performance
Dude come to her party. Someone just took a body shot of rubbing alcohol
Like I fucked him in the shower at 3 am when I had classes all day the next day so he can't say I'm not dedicated
Well I mean I HAD done a pretty good job of not pooping myself through the years
Seriously, you just banged the guy that wishes his dog happy birthday on fb. That's fucking adorable!
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