so I'm coping with getting the "I'm not over my ex" bomb dropped on me by getting drunk and yelling at people while wearing a purple princess hat
bad sex. bad bad bad. it was like trying to pick up an overcooked noodle with an empty pringles can. why do these guys always seem to find me?
he told me to hold it and try to write my name in the snow and it seemed like a bonding moment because neither one of us had ever done that before. i didn't anticipate it vibrating and weirding me out therefore making me let go and get my hand peed on.
I think I just ate eggs off of a plate covered in cocaine.
I would lick a homeless mans crack teeth for a cup of coffee right now.
Almost threw up on my grandmother as she walked in the house. Had to run to the bathroom and vomit my brains out. Prolly getting taken out of the Will now.
His new place is a molesden. Like a hole in the ground. It's frightening how oddly private it is.
It rubs the lotion on it's foreskin...
Bitch, he is not your friend and this is not Bravo. Get in this car before you get smacked
Using mass transit when I'm hungover makes me feel like I missed my calling as a serial killer
Maybe she'll change her mind but the "go fuck yourself" doesn't seem promising
Yeah. I don't know. I'm just gonna show up at her place on valentines day with a jock strap, box of chocolates, and rose clenched between my ass cheeks with "be mine" written across my glorious man titties.
I'd do them all but honestly I'm so high that I probably should have a chaperone.
The fact that you got a stranger guy to buy you a pizza off tinder makes me feel amazing
Pretty sure I'm partying in a onesie right now.
Dear god my vagina.
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