I just projectile vomited in a Methodist church parking lot. If Jesus didn't love me before he sure as hell doesn't now.
I swear that men would be more efficient if they had a semen gauge on their penises
how the fuck did you end up in georgia? you were here at my party dry humping some chick 2 hours ago
so you mean to tell me that there is no way you can get me?
We found him. 8 blocks away from the bars and almost at his parent's house. On the verge of tears.
What's the rule on cocaine before dinner?
Its 11 o'clock somewhere
oh my god, just saw a man throw up in a trashcan and blood came out of his nose. HES GETTING ON MY BUS. HES SITTING ACROSS FROM ME. FUCK.
I think I'm still drunk and I think you were in my dream (sadly, it was not a sexual bill murray one).
No I got myself stoned. With her bowl. She was just a casualty of the War on Sobriety.
I know you`re my best friend, but when i wake up with this bad of a hangover and no memories of last night, i dont want to see your tits ad my background.
I told him if he wanted to lose weight he had to learn self control. Less than ten minutes after that I ate a cookie off the floor...
The little girl I'm babysitting is having a tea party, the water and chips she's passing out are doing wonders for my hangover.
I want to sit on top of her nipple mountains and reenact the Ricola commercial.
6 more days and it'll be a year since i slept with him and never went home
When dealing with embarassing medical issues, don't you want your brother's wife to be the one fishing around up your ass?
My mom is worried I'm not eating enough protein so she's sending me 48 cans of tuna. That's not a typo.
Randomize
