he borrowed my computer and saw his name in my recent google searches. Things got awkward real fast.
There're making snowcones with the leftover vodka from last night. This is not the time to be making up excuses!
He was drinking hot tub water because i refused to get him a glass of water...
If i ever start ordering tequila again please tackle me to the ground and steal my wallet
I never want to hear the words unlimited shots for boobs in the same sentence ever again.
The girl in the hotel room next to us walked out at the same time as me this morning. She just shook her head, looked at me and said, "faker." Is it that easy to tell?!??
Can you work for me at 4? We might have just taken some drugs we found in the couch and... end of story
I successfully convinced a drunk NDSU student that their school does not have a football team and another that they weren't in Fargo. I'm a dangerous sober shark in a sea of drunks.
Someone with the Instagram name "hymenbreaker" just liked a photo of me and my grandma. I feel ashamed.
I literally just smashed open my grade school piggy bank for beer money. Goodbye childhood. Hellllllo coin night.
Well, I washed his beard with dish soap and then I fucked him three times.
When i said i was brazilian i swear to god he started to tear up
Well, I dont really know how much penis you have at your disposal so I cant be sure
We've been together for 10 months. These next 2 may be a deal breaker. He has not met the summertime version of me that is so hungover today that I cancelled a meeting with my boss right after she sent me an appreciation note saying I have great work ethic. I have her fooled.
We should write a country song: “Blacked Out on a Sunday”
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