Maybe i shouldn't have told him the key to getting in my pants was double vodka sodas and Nelly's song "grillz."
Sex tip #67: Jizz in the eye is very near the equivalent to pepper spray. Not recommended for pleasure enhancement.
My bra broke.... so I Macguyvered that shit together with floss
I can hear the condescending tone from the atm when it asks if $3 is all I would like to deposit
I woke up with my bra stapled to the ceiling, her dad was in the hallway winking at me. I was the less drunk of the bunch.
Her fucking playlist had randy newman on it. It was like woody was watching the whole time.
Hickies on top of my hickies. I need a leash and/or a positive female role model
Last night he asked the cab driver "if you were in the middle of getting tattooed and the tattoo artist suddenly got a boner would you leave or would you get that boner??"
Please stop using me as a reference for bail bondsmen.
I just had a fifteen minute conversation with a Raccoon by the garbage bin. I was feeding it chex mix.
My mom wants to know what to send you in a care package. She used cat emojis, so you know it's serious
My signature move is making guys wonder why they bothered in the first place
he bought me ice cream then took me home and fucked the shit outta me. you can't write this kinda romance.
so i realized that he's only my physical relationship and beer is my emotional relationship...
dude i haven't had a solid dump since sunday and i still cant hear out of my right ear
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