Some 6 yr old girl just got on my plane in St. Louis. She was wearing an I Love Canada shirt. She eyed the seat next to me and I stared her straight in the eyes and shook my head. Fuck her. Fuck canada.
He probably put up nude pics. He seems like that kind of guy.
I wish my new phone didn't autocorrect so well. People will never experience the magic of my drunk texts because they think I'm making a coherent statement.
Well, I just hope you know I had your best interests at heart when I put your sandwich down my pants.
I had ketchup on my elbow and a random girl goes "I got it" and licked it off, only on game day
I went from innocently day drinking to waking up handcuffed in jail. Fuck you game days
I was just sitting on the ground alone in fetal position shivering and chewing on my hand when she found me. ecstasy was not my best idea.
I'm pretty sure I just discovered what the American Dream is said the person eating a hotdog for breakfast in bed in her underwear
My mom has finally acknowledged my soft spot for Russians. Finally.
I'm just crazy horny about you
Just gave my thesis presentation, pretty sure I made out with the admissions woman last night.
Meanwhile I'm googling glory holes in Vegas
FINALLY GOT MY TENTH DICK. PARTY FOREVER
Which president had the biggest dick?
Take your time, I'll wait
Nothing says depression like laying in your bed stoned, naked, and eating a cupcake
Randomize
