I look like Roseanne just got in a bar fight with Rosie O'Donnell.
so the guy behind me in court for my DUI hearing got a DUI on a lawnmower at 1AM...he is my new hero
It's ok I'm watering my plants with a 40 in my camelback, people are staring
Confirmed. Vegetarians give terrible head.
Last night in my drunkenness I bought hurricane supplies which included a jug of wine and a bouquet of flowers. Apparently I'm going to woo Irene.
We were talking about threesomes when she went to say who she would have as her third. She did not get to finish her sentence because her bf already said my name.My sheer presence destroys relationships.
Went to the elf storage building to help him get his old dresser. Found his brother's stash in the drawer and ended up passed out w him on the mattress in there instead.
The bond between me and cheese is something no man can understand.
That hot guy just got to class and he's eating a bagel sandwich. I dunno which I'm more attracted to
I was trying to remember why my knees hurt then I remembered I was twerking on the countertops.
the hole that the tears left- fill it with pizza
My fucking earlobe is bruised what the hell
I accidentally sent a snap of my puss with the Republican filter... Totally killed his boner
I basically go to him for great dick and great memes.
Lobby closes at 2 AM on Thursday, but everyone walking still wants food... I could run a "Taco Bell Taxi" when I clock off at 2 and charge a dollar to give drunks a ride through drive thru.
Someones thought of a way to afford tuition.
Randomize
