it's my fault, I passed out instead of getting up to pee.
Why do I always have sex on the first date when I know it demotes me to booty call girl?
ok understand this, i didn't pay for your dinner bc you said i wasn't going to get a blowjob for at least a month... this isn't a mail-in rebate deal, you gotta pay upfront
please stop telling ppl youre Alice Cullen when youre drunk
you kept insisting that i was jake gyllenhaal and you were heath ledger.
remember that response paper i wrote naked, at 745am still drunk with a naked dude in my bed? yeah, totally got an a- on that. and he loved my insight.
Somewhere between yelling how am I gonna make it to my flight and more titie shots I stopped caring
Remember that pineapple I soaked in vodka last month? Just found it- nothing is growing on it? Think it's safe?
i love you man. i hope we fuck some serious shit up this summer.
Sarah's knitting me a hat as an apology for unknowingly making out with my boyfriend
I love it when he cheats on me with nice people
Never let him bartend when he's tripping. He sprinkled a ton of mexican shredded cheese over a jack and coke and called in a Monterey Jack Daniels.
The horniest man in the world doesn't want sex as bad as I want pizza right now.
Got robbed by an ATM. My weekend officially sucks.
I think I just got buffalo sauce on my penis. Is that a turn on or off?
According to Joseph, last night I crawled into bed and told him to pretend I'm his French maid, and then started speaking with a German accent, and referring to his manbits as "ze greatest Weiner schnitzel I'd ever seen". Basically, last night was a roaring success.
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