I dont need to watch it. And stop comparing your life to Entourage.
How has he not realized you're pregnant?
Spanx.
She's not depressed. She's just sober. It's like the same thing.
whenever music plays i find myself always doing kegels to the beat. its like the new foot-tapping
Every day I regret the life decisions that led me to bank management and NOT being a coke addicted stripper. Every. Single. Day.
Drank another frat president under the table. Thinking of starting my own, gonna call it Alpha Phi Alcoholics
I have no valid justification for peeing in your kitchen, but I don't think it's worth breaking up over.
i got shots of sambuca dumped on my head last night. my bag still smells like licorice. making me nauseous.
it is a nice little reminder of the bruins dominance. if Vancouver had won, it would somehow smell of maple syrup.
Someone just got kicked out of the mall for being dressed like a giant cat. I feel like this is in your future.
It's gay pride weekend and Father's day.. So in honor of the occassions I am now BI
Done deal I'm dying it right at this moment. I'll need a red Speedo and a half shirt that is extremely tight. Like nipple tight.
Hey where the fuck is the rest of my beer? Lets start this day off right
You insisted that your middle name was "velociraptor" for 20 minutes and every time someone said something you tried to relate it to velociraptors. That kind of drunk.
I just paid a hobo to give me his Santa hat so I can take Christmas nudes. Will send them later, they're fire.
The party bus is stocked with 5 hour energies and beer and someone handing out adderall. Best. Wedding. Ever.
Randomize
