When I masturbate I pretend my dick is the slap chop an I'm destroying vegtables. Do you think that's a eating disorder?
i just looked at my contacts and realized i saved the pizza hut girl's number as "fckucin pizza" the other night.
Just made nachos out of string cheese and sunchips and laying in my bed watching babay einstion..get on my level
what's not responsible about a pool full of beer?
I inspected his penis with a mini flashlight to check for visible stds...he was clean
Ive consumed more rum studying for law school finals than I did that time I fucked that fat chick in the back of VW Beetle. It's all ugly, but for different reasons.
Im not coming back to that place until im drunk. If I walk in there sober Ill start screaming uncontrollably. Not words, just sounds.
He sent me a 7 minute voicemail of him playing wonderwall on the acoustic guitar I'm not even kidding did he seriously think that would work
You just can't finish a sentence that starts with "I may have drunk peed in the bed" with "do you mind if I skip work and sleep here?" Anyways, yeah still drunk at work.
Um ... did I have a lizard on my shoulder last night at the bar?
It was like, once I started flashing you, I couldn't stop.
I can not believe he edited a picture of our three way and made it his profile picture
I'm currently sitting at your kitchen table eating chicken nuggets that I dug out of the trash and thinking about how much I need to get laid.
STOP PUTTING PICTURES OF JONAH HILL IN MY KITCHEN CABINETS!
WHO CARES HE GIVES YOU TOE CURLING ORGASMS AND SAYS YOU HAVE KISSABLE SKIN AND RUNWAY MODEL HAIR....WHILE INTOXICATED WITH HIS BEST FRIEND. AND THEN HE SENDS YOU CUTE SELFIES OF THEM!!!!!!! WTF MORE DO YOU WANT FROM LIFE!!! DIE HAPPY ALREADY LADY!!!
Randomize