you ran into the room and announced "I JUST FUCKED HER IN THE ASS". apparently you forgot she left the bedroom 5 minutes before you and was standing with us all.
that shirt you're wearing that says "officially single" makes me think you'll be that way for a really long fucking time.
you're the best thing to happen to me. closely followed by learning to ejaculate, and drugs.
We eventually had to ration the melon vodka. 10 pushups per shot. THATS why my arms hurt
The amount I want to die right now is not proportionate to the level of fun I had last night. Not fair.
She is crazy, dude. She actually bit me on the gootch.
And on the subject of embracing my inner whore, I had two different dicks in my mouth yesterday. Friend, it's official. I'm completely outta control.
Hypothetically going to the gym on coke was a good idea
The only thing he had going for him was mad fingering skills. the ONLY thing. crayons have a wider circumference.
I was about to share my drunken story from the weekend, but two friends getting married and one finding out she's pregnant makes Saturday in jail look a little suspect.
I'm working on a search warrant...can u pick up box of Chardonnay...I'll give u cash when u get here...
Yea... I love that ur a prosecutor and drink box wine
Dude hobos go hard. I learned a lot last night.
Cool. I might be making a sickly but incredibly well dressed wine drunk appearance in a couple hours
i definitely signed you up to receive text message notifications from a jukebox last night. Not even sorry.
Look get the dick out ur mouth and answer the phone
Randomize
