I just tipped a bartender in xanax.
i had a dream last night that you and i organized a foursome. swear to god
ps i'll be in miami in early july. this text has no relation to the last one
I swear if I see one more guy in a v-neck and fedora I'm going to punch someone in the balls. This is philly, you're not supposed to look like Ryan Cabrera
If I've learned one thing today? Blow jobs get you to state championships.
Alright. Who did it? Who's bangin' the ump?
you were carrying around a glass of vodka telling everyone it was Russian water
part of me always dies a little when i go to the "2 women seeking 1 man" section in craigslist's casual encounters to find nothing there. it's tragic
I wonder how many times I can be hungover in one day
you said grace in the diner. 5am, drunk, grace. you thanked the man w the mushroom cut for the wonderful supply of screwdrivers
You would think that someone would have been sober enough to object to vodka bong races.
He actually has his life put together though, during the date we walked by a shoppers drugmart where my friend and I once flashed a janitor and all I could wonder was how does he not see shit show written all over me?
There's a baby duck in my toilet. Fuck you.
Friend as in 'I used to have sex with her' or friend as in 'I still want to have sex with her'?
if becoming an adult is chugging a bottle of wine in your bed and crying about your stresses while your dog watches you, sign me up
I threw a beer bottle at the bartender and pissed myself. Somehow, I didn't get kicked out.
He held my hair while I gave him a blow job. Now that's teamwork.
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