i woke up with someone drivers licenses in my wallet this am...he said i don't have a business card so just take my drivers license
He smothers me through text. I can't even image what he'd be like in person.
No... We were arguing over whose family is more dysfunctional... Then my brother stumbled in and puked all over jakes ugly dog.
I woke up with his wallet, but not him. Gold-digging at it's finest.
making my second box of kraft dinner for the day. thinking about telling him how much you cheat on him so that you end up having to spend valentines day with me. i'm sorry its every man for himself.
These margaritas aren't just going to regret themselves.
A gay black guy with blonde hair and a gold tooth just told me he would shit on my face.
Now it's a party.
Take a good hard look at your life. And the number of 18-20 year olds that you have made out with in the last 6 months... and then keep doing whatever the fuck you want.
He said it was fake. Like really? Hey baby, I wanna sleep with you, so here's a picture of a fake tiny dick
You are the funniest drunk Jew I know. Never in my life have I witnessed someone respond, "Is your dick kosher?" while being picked-up on.
Aaaaand my mom is wearing jeggings...
Steve, that episode of cops where your dealer rear-ended that family is on again.
Yay I only have ONE giant mystery bruise from yesterday
Sunburned by dick at the nude beach. Bad. She tried to blow me. But. I. Just. Can't. Saddest day of my life.
You're an adult now and it's your vagina. You should do what it or you wants.
Randomize