I just farted at work and tried to cover up the noise by shuffling papers around
At chipotle, there's a bachelorette party starting out the night here, i'm going to let you imagine what the bride to be looks like
You know the gilmore girls would be alright if it was on mute the whole time
Too many sundays start with me waking up still drunk in my car.
the wall and i were having dominance issues.
you are my patron saint of "too drunk for 9am". i just keep asking myself what would alyssa do as i try to regain motor function
They called it unicorn pee, and i thought that was interesting so i drank it. Please don't let me drink strangers booze again.
He said I act like a cross between a kindergartener and a high 70 year old man. Which is inacurate because it fails to account for the disco obsession.
I am going to MURDER whoever gave him my phone number but it was probably drunk me so I'm conflicted.
I was his one phone call from jail and I hung up on him. He's fine though were gonna go to a party now.
Burnt my boob on a piece of hot waffle at work today..I feel like thats a new low point in my career..
Drake has all the answers
Finding out you're not a mother on Mother's Day >>>
He came on my favorite pants. He is dead to me.
What's a really polite way of saying "you have gravely overestimated the value of your vagina?"
Randomize
